A dream so odd and so sudden. I don't know what I'm feeling.

A car drops me off in this big 3 story house with hollow in the centre. 2 Guys live on the first floor. One of the comes to greet me, my ex-housemate living in this house. The two guys show me around the house. I meet the other tenant, A girl who lives on the top floor. We go through each floor describing each one. We cross to the top floor, a staircase built from the 2nd floor to the third in the centre with nets to support it. Why am I not afraid? I reach the top. I will sleeping in the space next to her bed. With her on the top floor. The other 2 tenants dissappear and I'm left with my ex-housemate.

"It's been a long time, I've missed you". I engulf him a hug, a hug that feels like forever; I can feel the warmth broadness of his chest holding me as I rest against it. I reach up to plant a wet kiss on his cheek. For a long time my lips stay there. Why?
The Dream ends. I still can feel my lips being wet and my body still feeling that broad chest. I'm craving attention.

Another dream, together with a boy in the house. A dissater happens, can't remember what it is.

Dream End.

Do I crave the attention of a boy or was it because I hugged someone this week. My body feels the need for accompaniment.

You never saw me as How I saw you. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't feel the need to talk to you anymore. You are actually boring and so quiet. I don't know why I thought you were something so great when you are just another person trying to make her way through life. I should stop putting people on a pedestal and making them greater than what they are.

I say I've gotten over you but I still like to look at your pictures. To see your face. I want to keep looking at that face. It's something so beautiful, so innocent, so happy. I just want to see more of you. I don't know whether is it me wanting your love or me just being friend like. I know I'm obsessed with you. I sound like a stalker and I know that but I don't know how to get closer to you. :( I still want to see more of you. I attend practice partly because of you but my reasons are slowly changing. At the same time, I'm losing the will to attend anymore. It's started to feel like a constant bashing week with no returns. You will say that it's because I only attend the bare minimal that's why I'm so weak but even if I do attend more practices I don't think that I can manage them. My physical ability is so pathetically non-existent. I'm only do this for the grading, once that is over I'll think whether I still want continue with Kendo. It was fun while it lasted but I'm starting to feel the drain on myself now. I don't feel like I connect anymore...


I'm so pathetic.

You can't be friends with a girl you like, I don't know how true is that statement. But yes, I've given up on her. My heart has finally died for her. I don't feel the need to hang out with her anymore. She has gotten herself a boyfriend now As much as I am happy for her, I still was upset she didn't tell me she got herself a boyfriend. She forgot we are still friends, I would love to still be friends with her. There is no ulterior motive to what I wanna do but it's sad to see someone you know and invested so much and time and emotions slowly disappear and you can't do anything about it.

It's slowly moving farther and farther away. I doubt what I do now can bring it back to what it was before. I know she has her own schedule but this semester is almost over and I haven't had the chance to hang out with her yet. It's very sad.

I have killed my heart of emotions for her. I've left all that joy before.

I enjoy the calmness I have now.

Yet, at the same time. I still like this other girl. What the hell am I doing? Can I not like someone and be myself? Why are my emotions all over the place. A good friend told me to control my emotions. I did and I still am doing it. But I still feel a longing albeit a small one to her. My emotions to her have changed over the semester. I don't get excited to see her anymore but I do know that I worry for her and I want her to be happy and calm. Just knowing she is there makes me so happy. I feel so comfortable feeling this bond. Maybe I'm just over imagining it. She doesn't want a relationship and I respect that decision but I still like her. I don't know what I'm doing to myself because we all know where this is going to go. A small portion of me still wishes and hope. I know this is will come to no good end but why do I still feel for her then?

I've seen one of her friends get hurt the same way, continuing to love her special someone until she heard those dreaded words " I like this guy". It's such a crushing feeling, the whole world has gone down. The shock is so mind-numbing.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'm just thinking I like her. Why?

Before you label yourself different/weird/nerdy/dorky.

Think of this phrase.

"Everyone is weird,
it's only when we meet someone who has the same interests as us,
then we're normal."

This year I met someone who shares a whole load of similar interests and hobbies to me, someone who I would have never realized would love the things I do. When you meet someone like this, you realize that you are ease with yourself. You don't have to put up walls or a mask to create a first impression and get them to like you. "Soul mates" would be the closest term to it but without the
"lovey dovey"ness. We're just friends. You can speak your mind and pour out your heart without worrying of their response or impression of you.

In my life, I would have never imagined to meet someone who carries the same ideals and attitude as this person. It makes you think whether you needed to do all that you did to capture the attention of people around you. I can't describe the feeling for you because this is the first time I've met anyone who is on the same wave-length as me but it's a comfortable one.

Some things in life just fall in place and these are one of those rare moments that you get. Before I met this person, I was paranoid and confused but now my ideals stand affirmed and rooted. I have now become more sure of my notions and perceptions because I'm not alone.
This is what (I feel) a connection feels like; I "pick up" on how this person feels despite said person not showing it.

So don't fear being alone because there will always be "Somebody for somebody" even if it's not the type of "love" you are looking for. Don't try to please people or become somebody's doormat to enter their "circle". Do it because you WANT TO, you genuinely want to be their friend. Some of us have a wide circle of friends but very few close or best friends because we fear isolation/being ostracized. So don't let the paranoia of acceptance reign over you.

Be true to yourself, even if it means that your "friends" start drifting away from you because if they do then they aren't really friends are they? Believe in your own morals and ideas, sooner or later you will meet kindred spirits who will love you and your interests. It may take a while but believe me when you do meet them, you'll realize that the wait you endured can't hold a candle to the bonds you'll
form with this new friend or friends.

Your new friends will break down the walls you never knew you had built around yourself and they'll make it such that those walls will keep
your new circle of friends safe and your old "friends" out. They will take the time to learn about you, to shower concern and save or at
least alleviate the mess you put yourself in. They will never leave you in the lurch and always keep you close to their hearts. You
don't have to go chasing after them to keep yourself in the loop.

All i'm trying to say in my long post is that try and find that connection with your true self, because once you do you'll never regret
anything except why you didn't meet this person earlier. Once you do find it, hold on to it tightly because you might never find that
connection again.




TO "You know who you are", I apprieciate this friendship a lot. Thank you so very much for letting me be your friend. I am still learning so many things from you and growing as a person. Thank you for letting me feel this special bond. :)
If anything, you are one that is extra ordinary among all of us. Don't let anything or anyone get in your way because behind you, you have people who love and care for you and will always catch you when you fall. Please continue to give inspiration to all of us.

You really are a gift, mitch. :)

I actually didn't want to leave my hand there. I was more than willing to let you bite me. The tingles on my neck never felt more welcoming.


/****/

I saw you today, my heart may not beat a-flutter anymore. It's been replaced with simple joy of seeing you. Yet I still cannot face you for your eyes still mesmerize me despite being behind your tinted glasses. I can actually get close to you without fumbling over myself which I believe is a sign of a waning infatuation. I really hope for the day this emotion will dissipate and I can form that strong friendship I would really want to have with you. I want to have you as a close friend but I'm too afraid to get any closer Les I suffer the same fate as I did with me other friend. I don't want to end up falling for you/having a crush on you. I still want you as a close friend.

You're always so busy, I feel rejected but it's just my emotional trait going into overdrive. I still wonder if you really have time at all. I'm surprised you do Kendo albeit with your 3rd year schedule. I envy your time management skills. I wish I can be as headstrong and firm as you. You're someone I always look up to.

I know why guys want you so much. It's not because of your looks but it's because of your "coolness". You possess that cool aura. You're always relaxed and confident, never wavering in mindset. I have yet to see you lose your collected stature. You won't conform to other people's notion of stereotypes or perceptions. You live life like you want to and you push forward no matter what gets in your way. Guys believe you are strong and determined and that's why they are interested in you.

I see it now, I know why I crush on you. You represent the trait I always pinned after but never actually set out to achieve it. You're the me I wish I could have been yet I conformed to conventions set out in front of me. I don't why I did it but it's molded the me today. I won't regret who I am now because I can't change who I am after so many years of adolescence.

To think back on all these, what I feel for you isn't love or crush but a passing admiration that merely got out of hand and I misread it as a crush. Right now, I can say it proudly and clearly, I am not in love nor having a crush on you. I just want to know you better because I would like to have you as a close friend.

Also I would like to thank who ever planned such that her lecture was after mine, You have my gratitude. I get to see her outside Kendo which is really nice. :D

I'm FREE OF LOVE'S Confusing tendrils. I'm at peace with myself and I don't indulge in such selfish desires as anymore. I will always remember that there is more that one kind of love and that people will always love me no matter who I am even though it may not be the love I thought I wanted to have. I will always grateful for the attention and care showered over me.

I love all of you.

sooo does that mean if my parents didn't treat you guys, you guys won't come? I know I didn't tell you guys it was dutch but you assumed you guys were gonna get a free meal. How convenient. So this is what this has come to aye? fine.