Take my hand and we will soar together

2011-06-04T03:10:00.001+08:00

Every time that door opens, the wind rushes in, as if to escape the burgeoning winter cold. I shiver as the wind funnels into the car flowing from the front before flowing to the backseat and settling. Almost immediately a smell reminiscent of freshly done laundry wafts in my car tickling my nose. The scent becoming more heady as the owner starts to make his way into the car, seating himself casually while hissing from the cold outside which his scarf is not helping much to keep at bay. The smell almost becomes intoxicating when the car door closes. It takes a lot of effort to pretend not to notice.

It's so toxicating that I reach for my blanket, lifting it up to my nose. Inhaling deeply, eyes closed dreaming that it somehow becomes your scent on the soft threads. But all I smell is that of my own waking me up from my dream state. Away from the warmth of strong arms and protection.

Protection that I will only muster from myself.

I need to stop getting attracted to his smell and personality. I've seen the other side of him and I don't know if I can handle such a beautiful beast. A beast will always have his beauty and he already has a whole line of them waiting.

2011-04-27T16:10:00.004+08:00

I love all these owl city dreams I'm having. :D Someone's been reading my blog and it's not a bad thing. ;D

Let me recall the other one I had, I think it was on friday from week before or before before. I think it was last week monday.

Apparently, I had landed back in Singapore. I see myself coming out of the airport, being brought home. I was complaining why did I come back while I was out with my sister and mom at some shopping centre. I see someone darting around at the corner of my eye and I go,"Is that who I think it is?" I run after that person and then "boo!" him and he is Adam Young! He gets a little shock but then he picks up a pen and starts to write on what seems to be a piece of paper and I interject with telling him, it's Gen. (It seems like it was a catch and get a autograph game.). I start gushing and telling how it was so awesome that I manage to see him in real life and just smile. After he hands me the paper, he looks at me and then says very shyly, " I'm not supposed to say this but there is a dinner tonight and then I think he wants to invite me to go but I'll never know because I got woken up by the guys outside making pancakes for pancake friday. Bah.... Who knows what could have happened.

Next dream wasn't anything special he just poped up in tv comercial or something just the person. This was this morning blah.

2011-04-26T16:47:00.003+08:00

You expect me to open to you because I seem to you like I'm quiet. Well, since the day I was left to the care of my maid and then as a child learnt to take care of myself emotionally because mom and day were busy with work. I don't think I'm going to get anything out of this anymore. I've already learnt to look for love elsewhere. It's not going to change something that was built over 12 years of growing up.

2011-04-02T13:04:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning with the best feeling today. I saw adam young in my dreams. Mr Owl city/Port blue. It was such a great feeeling. I don't remember much now unfortunately. But even remembering it was so romantic. In my dreams he was so sweet and quiet. The first scene I remember is when we're in a van and we're seated next to each other and I'm squeezed between him and the window of the vehicle. We're justing sitting along and ask him why he's not coming to singapore. He gives me a reply that I can't really hear more likely though I probably forgot what he said. I then asked him if he's coming to perth/western australia and he says yes. :D Later we're in the train/subway. He's taken 3 seats to lie down and I'm beside him with is head on my lap and I place my hand on his face and he moves my head around cos I'm blocking his nose or something and then the train jerks and he asks if I'm okay. I can't remember anymore cos I woke up after that because someone outside was making noise. D:

It's such a wonderful dream. :D

2011-01-08T03:01:00.000+08:00

I would very much like a massage right now. Thank you.

2011-01-02T03:35:00.001+08:00

I took a look at your pictures and I realised the damage is ireversible. I'm sorry. It still feels awkward in me. Why does it act that way? I do not know.

2010-11-30T02:34:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, my mind wanders. What would it be like to be entwined in another person's embrace? To feel their warm emanating around you; to feel strong arms protecting you.

What would it be like to find someone who really truly understands you and loves you for who you are?

Maybe one day, I'll meet that person or not. but I know that I'm still content with how life is going now. I don't really care any more to be honest. Life now is so much more fulfilling and challenging. I've forgotten about all that worries I had.

Thank you my lovely little bird <3

2010-10-11T01:39:00.003+08:00

Last minute invite to a paramore concert and it rocked!!! Haley was so petite and small! She's so precious! It made me so jealous when she actually came down to make one of the seating people stand up. I WANNA SIT DOWN TOO. After the concert we were driving out and then we heard people screaming. LO AND BEHOLD, on our left was their van shooting out from back stage. Haley turned out and look around and she waved to us in our caaaaaar! We screamed, I got a shock when I saw her face I was like wait a minute, It's haley! And then we all screamed. We followed their van out as there was only one way out and they were close to us! When we left the bottle neck road, KL drove up to meet them on the right lane and me and em just freaked in the car and she turned around and smiled at us and she posed for the cameras! How awesome is that? Ahhhh, it twas an awesome day. Fun was had. :D

2010-09-24T23:01:00.002+08:00

A person told me today, I've still got a long way to go. He showed me the reality of the world in the future. For the first time in a long while I felt really scared for my future. The artists of now will only be ten fold better when I graduate. I've just realised how complacent I am. I've got to practise my art and keep practising. I just feel like crying now. There's so much I need to learn. It's just that I've really haven't got enough time to juggle everything in my life. It sounds just like a giant excuse, but I starting to doubt my chosen path again.

I can't blame anyone but myself for my complacency, I need to really learn from the best and keep growing. I need some time to chill for myself now.

2010-09-07T21:36:00.002+08:00

It's 9.35 pm as I write this and I'm thinking how long it's been since I've arrived here. I feel so different than when I came. I used to be so confused in living in a foreign country, learning how to fend for myself. Now I can manage a lot of things on my own. It's such a extreme polarity.

I used to be so distracted and lazy, now I really can say that with age; you become more motivated. :) I'm 21 this year and I'm more motivated than ever, it's time to work hard and never give up. I'll take this challenge head one and do well! I know I can do it! It's only if I wanna put in the effort and prove to my tutors and lecturers that I can do it. They are there to help but not there to speed up your work. It's when you ALREADY KNOW stuff and you wanna IMPROVE that you ask them. I've got to keep this motivation going.

2010-08-23T13:24:00.001+08:00

It doesn't hurt anymore. You don't make me scared anymore. I don't crumble at those aquamarine eyes anymore. It's over. But you're more beautiful than ever.

2010-06-25T18:52:00.003+08:00

I saw your pictures and I felt something ache. Gaaaargh! I miss you sooooo much.

2010-06-08T01:16:00.002+08:00

You know who you are,

I love hanging out with you so much, you're so awesome with your vocal ways. It hurts me so when you start contemplating issues that I can't really comprehend. I'm powerless to help you in certain ways and that makes me feel so frustrated. I want to help you but I don't know how.

All I know is to give tangible items like food or medicine or care but I never really understood the idea of emotional support. My parents never really explained that bit to me, how they care for me was by buying things or not reacting to certain things. My family deals with issues by avoiding it. I feel like it's a bit late to start learning how to feel and care as a human being but I'm not stopping.

Do you know why?
You are one of the few people I go out of my way to care for because there's something that's really special inside of you. You have the capacity to be someone very great. I'm not bluffing when I say this but I'm only drawn to people who have a very strong resolve to something. I only stick around those who have great determination.

I know that you know you are loved but if ever for that moment you feel like your life is down remember that you have something very special.

Don't go changing yourself either. Friends love you for the way you are, you don't have to change for them because they are content to have you.

I am one of them. I never forget how grateful I am to have you in my life.

I'm saying this as a close friend who's seen how you've been lately.

2010-06-06T13:33:00.000+08:00

I miss home but I don't miss all those storms that brew. If I don't miss home that much then why is there water in my eyes?

2010-04-25T01:11:00.002+08:00

There is a reason why they said, love always comes before sex. If you skip love, you'll regret what you did. You feel so bad after doing it and all in the name of one night of pleasure. I truly regret what I did, I feel cheap and used now. Too desperate, I hate myself right now. I really want someone to treasure me and tell me I'm beautiful not empty words and to only LOVE me. Sex shouldn't be on his/her mind at all. :(. So used... really.

I can't see you in that light anymore. You are too cheap in my mind now.

I'm so bad at controlling myself. (T_T)

2010-04-06T02:12:00.002+08:00

A friend of mine mentioned that I seemed to have lost weight which in fact I did. 5kgs yo! That's quite a feat. It's so warming when you hear your friend tell you that you've lost weight. It's like a compliment. Teehee! But the medicine hasn't been working again but is my fault because I haven't been taking them regularly and watching what I eat. I've gotten back to eating the usual portions I've been taking. Those pills help to suppress my hunger pangs so I've gotta start taking them more frequently to prevent myself from snacking on more food.

I think the main reason why the pills aren't working is because the amount of food I eat. I weight myself after showering it seems to stay at 75 kgs, but after dinner. It's always 76, I'm thinking that it is actually working just that I've been more than I putting out. SO THE ONLY WAY IS TO CUT WHAT I EAT. Which is what I'm doing now.

I hope I stick with it, I want to have a nice body and figure but it's a long way to my ideal weight. That would be like 45 kgs for person my height(155cm). That's like a 30 kg drastic drop. I'll have to go at it little by little, so right now I'm just aiming to shed off the next 5 kgs and bring it down to 70, and then to 65, 60,55... you get the picture.

I just hope I don't lose the drive halfway through! I want to be skinny! I want to be able to wear nice things! I want to be cute! I want to be healthier! I want to be able to move quicker and have better stamina! All of that only comes with less body fat being lugged around on my body. I MUST KEEP THE WILL.

I MUST CONTROL MY PORTION SIZE, and try to exercise. LOL!

Till then, I better loose some more weight or I'll sulk in front of my computer like How I am now. XD!

2010-04-03T14:33:00.002+08:00

It takes a lot of effort to emancipate yourself from something you love and care about. I feel like a child who keeps moving from house to house with no permanent place to settle down. Everything is but a temporary existence. It shatters a child's self esteem because their trust keeps getting betrayed; nothing is for certain.

When it comes to making choices between 2 places, of the course the one that win outright would be the one where most memories were kept, or the best events have taken place. But what if the places both held memories but of different genres yet still essential to the holder of those memories.

I left Singapore hesitantly because I know i would leave the friends i loved behind, as much as we would tell each other we would write and keep in touch. In reality, that is never true. Keeping in contact would still be possible but that connection will slowly but surely sever. Sever to the point that you have forgotten about it because of the little cracks that began to eat away at the bonds.

I'm afriad of loosing the friends I have here, each one has a part of me in them and them in my heart. Should I leave, A part of me will stay with them and I don't think will ever be able to recover that lost of portion of my youth anymore. I'm a person who feels heavily, I depend a lot on my emotions. So I don't know how I am going to take leaving this country. I'm surprised I haven't broken down from all these broken trust and insecurities yet.

Maybe I will one day....

Who knows?

2010-03-28T02:00:00.002+08:00

I just want my bed. I want it for the simple reason that it holds me like no other person would. It's the closest I've got to an embrace. It goes around my body like a warm hug but that's all I'm getting for now. It's soothing, comforting and warm.

Something I've always craved for, don't you have one of those days where you feel so empty? I did. You feel like something is missing and you cry for no apparent reason. The tears just fall out for no reason. They just come free flowing, down, down, down.
I want intimacy, I want to feel someone's touch, a hand to caress me, to assure me that I still am here. When you don't have someone to talk to you or entertain you, the mind does wander to strange places.I'm running away from the loneliness I feel, I ran to your house for the simple reason of keep those empty feelings aside. Yet they came back once I left, it's hard to keep those emotions at bay. It's so hard to stop feeling lonely.

I've done all those things to make myself happy, I look at things positively, I smile, laugh whenever I can and make friends. But yet, it still feels so empty to me.
All I really just want is some assurance, someone to tell me I'm important to this world, I'm beautiful, someone to tell me I have a purpose. I feel so lost, so alone in this big ocean. Waves and waves crashing into each other taking no heed of the damage it causes.

I'm feeling so insecure right now, can someone please love me?

Please?

2010-03-19T02:49:00.002+08:00

Someone so sensitive. so loving so sweet. I wish you weren't so nice to all the girls you meet but I know it's just your bedside manner. It makes me feel super uncomfortable, I know I've gotten a crush on you but it's fine since you are disappearing for a while. I know by then, My mind would have settled.

Your sweetness is so overwhelming, it hurts me inside. I just don't want to ruin this awesome friendship. I hate myself for falling for you, for believing you are like that for mutual love. It's only your bedside manner, the usual ways you act with girls. It's my own fault for assuming too much, I hate how immature I am. I want to stay friends with you but cannot believe such a sensitive guy exists.

For the first time in my life, I can say I met someone who is super sensitive and sweet and loving. I don't know why it's making me cry and sad but I really didn't believe such a guy like you would exist. You are a big older than me but your sensitive ways have affected me so. I wish it didn't.

I didn't want to crush on you, really. It just happened, I honestly did not do anything whatsoever. The thought did pop in my head about how certain things would go down quite well. It was just a passing thought and then I realised, oh no I've got a crush on you. It's so scary. I never wanted it at all, someone as sweet as you deserves someone better and more beautiful. I don't deserve someone as great and sensitive as you.

I wish I didn't fall for you. Really I do. It's so painful because I know rejection will be the next step and I'm all too familiar with that outcome. :(.

2010-03-17T01:40:00.004+08:00

Is this what it has come to? I fall in then fall out. The last time I let myself go, I fell in love with someone. It didn't really end well. I think I saw Natalie today. I just walked on not caring about her. It doesn't really matter anyway because whatever she thinks, it's probably because I just want to become more than friends with her but whatever, I can't be bothered anymore. If it's so then so be it.

Why is it I can't take another step to advance a relationship, am I more wary what happened the last time? Too scared? I think it's just so tiring to keep falling for people. I'm trying my best not to let myself be too free anymore. I cannot control my emotions that well. It really hurts that I can't show my true self as much as I want to. I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and every time it just hurts me so.

I know it was coincidental, but that Utada Hikaru song reminded me of my time at Secondary school, how I was so emotional and easily depressed. How I remember my first crush. You never forget your first crush, it was a foolish time. A very foolish confession of mine. I look back at it now and think it's just as well that I just got rejected. Learning to come to terms with loss is much better than getting anything served on a silver platter because you truly understand what it means to gain something through hard effort. I truly believe that if I take my time in finding the one, I will have someone who is perfect for me. I just hope it's soon.

I'm not going to be impatient and keep demanding and pining for that simple hope of love. I've seen what crazed passion and emotion does to relationships. It's cost me my close friend.

I truly regret telling her that I've fallen for her but I cannot deny my feelings for her. It will only cause my pain to just build up and who knows what else might have happened if I did not let it out. I'm just really happy that I only wanted to kiss her. That was all but I really was in a lot of pain at that particular time. That need to restrain myself, to stop myself from crying to just hold her. It was so hard. That was the only person that I've had that urge to love so much. She was in pain and guilt for what she has done but it's only my fault because I've never been exposed to such open displays of affection. I've never been hurt that much before but Natalie rejecting me was probably one of most painful emotions I have experienced. I remember crying that Monday afternoon/evening, the tears flowing as the realisation hitting me that I have fallen for her so hard that I would cry and had to let go of her. I can say I understood what is heartbreak now.

It really is something so utterly painful and tearful. Someone as beautiful,cheerful and teasing should never have been my friend. I never saw the pain coming, I was so immature and so vulnerable to a person's ways. She was just a very open person. Both of us got hurt for our own personalities, one for being so sweet and loving and the other for seeing too much and feeling like they were being led on. I don't think even if we were still friends it would work because of her personality would be destructive to my simple mind.

Thankfully I'm stronger now and hopefully my heart has been locked up. It's so hard to find someone to love when your taste for women and men is not normal. The ones I fall for are different in so many ways. Sometimes the mind wanders though, I remember thinking in my head yesterday. I don't mind this happening that's when I realized uh oh something bad is coming along.

It always starts with thoughts, then the avoidance of eye contact. Stuttering of words, fumbling for sentence structures and fear of being alone with them. The blush. I cannot look at them. It hurts me too much. I guess I'm letting my mind too much. Afterall, the human mind likes to push and take things to as far an extent it can go to. I need to stop thinking like that. He is leaving in less than a week and I think its the constant hanging out together that has gotten to me.

I just need to stop thinking too much, It will go away. :) I'm starting to become so jaded about love. I'm still so young and fresh yet I'm too tired already. I can't find all these stupid emotions inside.

So so so painful. I just wished I didn't always thought everything in that "love" way. I'm so selfish and I've hurt so many people around me. It's so stupid.

I want to be stronger emotionally, that is my objective. Everyone will eventually leave and go away, they can never be at your side forever. This I understand but for that one second, that one moment in time you forget all about that and you just want to enjoy the moment for what it is. I wish that moment will last longer and hope that Goodbye will not cause me to cry and lose myself. I'm too afraid of loosing people around me anymore.

Strong hearts and fun loving habits are the way to go but no falling for people. It's too dangerous. Enough pain already. Seriously.

2010-02-25T00:42:00.002+08:00

New semester, new start, new bruises. I've got those lovely blisters from Kendo again. I've happy about it though.

I've already gotten over you but it irks me when someone puts their arm around. It makes me feel jealous and angry so maybe I just am to possessive. I want to just stretch out and just hug you but I can't. I'm too scared but I'm too annoyed by his advances on you.

I wonder why.

2010-01-16T00:08:00.001+08:00

When did the world start loosing interest to me? When did everything seem so far away? Like a distant memory even though it's staring at me right in the face? Why does everything seem so boring? I'm starting to be numb to all the stimulus around me. Why? Like it's all just a passing dream?

2009-11-28T15:34:00.003+08:00

A dream so odd and so sudden. I don't know what I'm feeling.

A car drops me off in this big 3 story house with hollow in the centre. 2 Guys live on the first floor. One of the comes to greet me, my ex-housemate living in this house. The two guys show me around the house. I meet the other tenant, A girl who lives on the top floor. We go through each floor describing each one. We cross to the top floor, a staircase built from the 2nd floor to the third in the centre with nets to support it. Why am I not afraid? I reach the top. I will sleeping in the space next to her bed. With her on the top floor. The other 2 tenants dissappear and I'm left with my ex-housemate.

"It's been a long time, I've missed you". I engulf him a hug, a hug that feels like forever; I can feel the warmth broadness of his chest holding me as I rest against it. I reach up to plant a wet kiss on his cheek. For a long time my lips stay there. Why?
The Dream ends. I still can feel my lips being wet and my body still feeling that broad chest. I'm craving attention.

Another dream, together with a boy in the house. A dissater happens, can't remember what it is.

Dream End.

Do I crave the attention of a boy or was it because I hugged someone this week. My body feels the need for accompaniment.

2009-11-09T00:40:00.002+08:00

You never saw me as How I saw you. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't feel the need to talk to you anymore. You are actually boring and so quiet. I don't know why I thought you were something so great when you are just another person trying to make her way through life. I should stop putting people on a pedestal and making them greater than what they are.

2009-11-01T13:16:00.002+08:00

I say I've gotten over you but I still like to look at your pictures. To see your face. I want to keep looking at that face. It's something so beautiful, so innocent, so happy. I just want to see more of you. I don't know whether is it me wanting your love or me just being friend like. I know I'm obsessed with you. I sound like a stalker and I know that but I don't know how to get closer to you. :( I still want to see more of you. I attend practice partly because of you but my reasons are slowly changing. At the same time, I'm losing the will to attend anymore. It's started to feel like a constant bashing week with no returns. You will say that it's because I only attend the bare minimal that's why I'm so weak but even if I do attend more practices I don't think that I can manage them. My physical ability is so pathetically non-existent. I'm only do this for the grading, once that is over I'll think whether I still want continue with Kendo. It was fun while it lasted but I'm starting to feel the drain on myself now. I don't feel like I connect anymore...

I'm so pathetic.

2009-10-04T12:21:00.003+08:00

You can't be friends with a girl you like, I don't know how true is that statement. But yes, I've given up on her. My heart has finally died for her. I don't feel the need to hang out with her anymore. She has gotten herself a boyfriend now As much as I am happy for her, I still was upset she didn't tell me she got herself a boyfriend. She forgot we are still friends, I would love to still be friends with her. There is no ulterior motive to what I wanna do but it's sad to see someone you know and invested so much and time and emotions slowly disappear and you can't do anything about it.

It's slowly moving farther and farther away. I doubt what I do now can bring it back to what it was before. I know she has her own schedule but this semester is almost over and I haven't had the chance to hang out with her yet. It's very sad.

I have killed my heart of emotions for her. I've left all that joy before.

I enjoy the calmness I have now.

Yet, at the same time. I still like this other girl. What the hell am I doing? Can I not like someone and be myself? Why are my emotions all over the place. A good friend told me to control my emotions. I did and I still am doing it. But I still feel a longing albeit a small one to her. My emotions to her have changed over the semester. I don't get excited to see her anymore but I do know that I worry for her and I want her to be happy and calm. Just knowing she is there makes me so happy. I feel so comfortable feeling this bond. Maybe I'm just over imagining it. She doesn't want a relationship and I respect that decision but I still like her. I don't know what I'm doing to myself because we all know where this is going to go. A small portion of me still wishes and hope. I know this is will come to no good end but why do I still feel for her then?

I've seen one of her friends get hurt the same way, continuing to love her special someone until she heard those dreaded words " I like this guy". It's such a crushing feeling, the whole world has gone down. The shock is so mind-numbing.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'm just thinking I like her. Why?

2009-09-07T23:15:00.001+08:00

Before you label yourself different/weird/nerdy/dorky.

Think of this phrase.

"Everyone is weird,
it's only when we meet someone who has the same interests as us,
then we're normal."

This year I met someone who shares a whole load of similar interests and hobbies to me, someone who I would have never realized would love the things I do. When you meet someone like this, you realize that you are ease with yourself. You don't have to put up walls or a mask to create a first impression and get them to like you. "Soul mates" would be the closest term to it but without the
"lovey dovey"ness. We're just friends. You can speak your mind and pour out your heart without worrying of their response or impression of you.

In my life, I would have never imagined to meet someone who carries the same ideals and attitude as this person. It makes you think whether you needed to do all that you did to capture the attention of people around you. I can't describe the feeling for you because this is the first time I've met anyone who is on the same wave-length as me but it's a comfortable one.

Some things in life just fall in place and these are one of those rare moments that you get. Before I met this person, I was paranoid and confused but now my ideals stand affirmed and rooted. I have now become more sure of my notions and perceptions because I'm not alone.
This is what (I feel) a connection feels like; I "pick up" on how this person feels despite said person not showing it.

So don't fear being alone because there will always be "Somebody for somebody" even if it's not the type of "love" you are looking for. Don't try to please people or become somebody's doormat to enter their "circle". Do it because you WANT TO, you genuinely want to be their friend. Some of us have a wide circle of friends but very few close or best friends because we fear isolation/being ostracized. So don't let the paranoia of acceptance reign over you.

Be true to yourself, even if it means that your "friends" start drifting away from you because if they do then they aren't really friends are they? Believe in your own morals and ideas, sooner or later you will meet kindred spirits who will love you and your interests. It may take a while but believe me when you do meet them, you'll realize that the wait you endured can't hold a candle to the bonds you'll
form with this new friend or friends.

Your new friends will break down the walls you never knew you had built around yourself and they'll make it such that those walls will keep
your new circle of friends safe and your old "friends" out. They will take the time to learn about you, to shower concern and save or at
least alleviate the mess you put yourself in. They will never leave you in the lurch and always keep you close to their hearts. You
don't have to go chasing after them to keep yourself in the loop.

All i'm trying to say in my long post is that try and find that connection with your true self, because once you do you'll never regret
anything except why you didn't meet this person earlier. Once you do find it, hold on to it tightly because you might never find that
connection again.

TO "You know who you are", I apprieciate this friendship a lot. Thank you so very much for letting me be your friend. I am still learning so many things from you and growing as a person. Thank you for letting me feel this special bond. :)
If anything, you are one that is extra ordinary among all of us. Don't let anything or anyone get in your way because behind you, you have people who love and care for you and will always catch you when you fall. Please continue to give inspiration to all of us.

You really are a gift, mitch. :)

2009-08-07T01:15:00.002+08:00

I actually didn't want to leave my hand there. I was more than willing to let you bite me. The tingles on my neck never felt more welcoming.

/****/

I saw you today, my heart may not beat a-flutter anymore. It's been replaced with simple joy of seeing you. Yet I still cannot face you for your eyes still mesmerize me despite being behind your tinted glasses. I can actually get close to you without fumbling over myself which I believe is a sign of a waning infatuation. I really hope for the day this emotion will dissipate and I can form that strong friendship I would really want to have with you. I want to have you as a close friend but I'm too afraid to get any closer Les I suffer the same fate as I did with me other friend. I don't want to end up falling for you/having a crush on you. I still want you as a close friend.

You're always so busy, I feel rejected but it's just my emotional trait going into overdrive. I still wonder if you really have time at all. I'm surprised you do Kendo albeit with your 3rd year schedule. I envy your time management skills. I wish I can be as headstrong and firm as you. You're someone I always look up to.

I know why guys want you so much. It's not because of your looks but it's because of your "coolness". You possess that cool aura. You're always relaxed and confident, never wavering in mindset. I have yet to see you lose your collected stature. You won't conform to other people's notion of stereotypes or perceptions. You live life like you want to and you push forward no matter what gets in your way. Guys believe you are strong and determined and that's why they are interested in you.

I see it now, I know why I crush on you. You represent the trait I always pinned after but never actually set out to achieve it. You're the me I wish I could have been yet I conformed to conventions set out in front of me. I don't why I did it but it's molded the me today. I won't regret who I am now because I can't change who I am after so many years of adolescence.

To think back on all these, what I feel for you isn't love or crush but a passing admiration that merely got out of hand and I misread it as a crush. Right now, I can say it proudly and clearly, I am not in love nor having a crush on you. I just want to know you better because I would like to have you as a close friend.

Also I would like to thank who ever planned such that her lecture was after mine, You have my gratitude. I get to see her outside Kendo which is really nice. :D

I'm FREE OF LOVE'S Confusing tendrils. I'm at peace with myself and I don't indulge in such selfish desires as anymore. I will always remember that there is more that one kind of love and that people will always love me no matter who I am even though it may not be the love I thought I wanted to have. I will always grateful for the attention and care showered over me.

I love all of you.

2009-04-23T22:37:00.003+08:00

sooo does that mean if my parents didn't treat you guys, you guys won't come? I know I didn't tell you guys it was dutch but you assumed you guys were gonna get a free meal. How convenient. So this is what this has come to aye? fine.

2009-03-23T21:17:00.003+08:00

Hahaha, uni's never been better. I'm doing fine on most of my units so no problems there. Except for maths which is giving me hell.

I joined kendo which was a good thing cos now I got some sport activities down, I won't eat so much. It reminds me soooooo much of band. Dedication, perfection, timing, patience, accuracy , good spirit and respect. Makes me think of band again. A little bit of discipline is always good for the mind. I can focus so much better now.
Fortunately or not, I am kinda attracted to my Kendo Senpai, Fenn. Sigh she makes me think of chee hui. Sigh. I saw that little earring twinkling on her right ear, is she gay? Or is she not? I don't know why but I'm happy.

Back to degree shiz, I made a few friends in my course or least in some of my units and how I got to know them is still because of Kendo, well after we finished Kendo anyway. It's good to have friends to sit with during lectures so you don't feel so left out. You can also talk to them to if you don't understand the assignment and they share the pain that you feel when all of us are doing the same units. Hahaha. I don't know whether I'm feeling anything for Roze though. He makes me feel very comfortable with myself, probably doesn't notice that I have a slight attracttion to him. Hopefully he'll notice in time to come. =)

Now, Onto JPN 1A. Made a new friends in JPN 1A. How I met Na-chan was that for Wednesday's tut, I was lining up to ask Sachi Sensei some questions. She was behind me and we started commenting on the chopsticks on the table and thats how it all began. I asked her if she wanted to join me for lunch cos she looked kinda lonely sitting there after Wed's Tut. To think she LURVES anime tooooo! As well as cosplay. SO happy. Unfortunately, she loves hugging people and is pretty physical sooooo very bad for me. I'm not one for such attention so it gets me kinda bothered when she does that. Especially when I'm not really that much of a social creature. Last week after fri's test and lecture, we went to find a room to play our DS's (well it ended up being mostly mine but meh). We did it under the guise of renting a DVD and watching it in one of the rooms. It's pretty cute that Na-chan was playing Taiko No Tatsujin so fervently. It's a cute game, I'll give you that. We turned on the show and then started to play the DS so nobody would know we weren't really watching it. Hahaha, she's such a cute kid. She kept stealing my hair band and jacket though. She's so adorable how she steals my hair band and wears it on her own head. After a while of playing, she kept hugging me and playing with me. And me being a dunce with all these would just freeze. I told her to let go and she was like "No". (>______________________<) The thought that only two of us was in the room and she was hugging me was scary, my heart was beating in my head. Luckily she stopped after she realized how I became energy-less. I was burying my head on the table in embarrassment which I hoped she realized was what I was feeling. The butterflies was nice but it's so confusing! I wish she wasn't so nice to me. Sigh, but I love her too.... not that way(iI hope).

Hahahha basically its just a summary of my stupid love life. I think everything will take time. Then I'll see if it was just primary nervousness or something more. We'll just have to wait and see. =)

2009-03-23T21:14:00.000+08:00

Ahhh, I'm so tired. Gah my arms are aching sooooo bad.

Went for kendo today, we moved on to combining footwork with sword cuts. Ahhh, too fast. My footwork still sucks. I keep forgeting to sprint across in the first step and then I supposed to make zashi cuts, small cuts. I end up bringing up the sword and making a bigger version of the cut im supposed to make. I need to aim at the throat of my opponent as well as make the cut action when im nearer to the oponent not too close to the oponent. ahhh so tired

then played a bit of badminton with the badminton club. It's good to feel the "twang" of the racket hitting the shuttlecock again. It's been so long since I played properly. Some of the guys are pretty good. It's scary. hahahah

Then I went for my gym session, I lost a bit of weight already! Before I even started the program, hahaha. Looks like it's a good sign, cutting down has visible effects.

Ahhh and I'm not sliding across the floor. As amanda puts it, "Your bouncing". AHHHHHH, I need to practise so bad. Grrrr. And I'm getting blisters on the bottom of my right foot.

Mitch says to put some sports tape on my toes to prevent it from chafing. What the hell is sports tape? O_o?? First time I have heard of it. Hahahha, maybe it's called something else in Singapore. Who knows?

Hahaha, she looks likes she trimmed her hair today, its kinda uniformed at the back. Maybe I'm staring too much.

No uniform yet. Indigo dye eh, looks like it's the traditionally made uniform. Those made with those before time methods of dye making. Amanda says wash no more than every 3 months. Boy, no wonder her has those sweat patches. It's been stained. Unfortunately if you wash it too much, the colour will come right off. They can't dry under the sun either.

14/3/2009

2009-03-08T16:29:00.001+08:00

New song of the moment. Mandy Moore, Crush

'nuff said.

oh oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh oh
You know, everything that I'm afraid of
You do, everything I wish I did
Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

I know, I should tell you how I feel
I wish, everyone would disappear
Every time you call me, I'm too scared to be me
And I'm too shy to say

(Chorus)
Ooh, I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to
Sometimes, you tell me things that I don't wanna know
I just want to hold you
You say, exactly how you feel about her
I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

(Chorus)
I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody
But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows
I've got a crush on you
A crush on you, I got a crush

Hey ey ey I got a crush, I got a crush on you
You say, everything that no one says
But I feel, everything that you're afraid to feel
I will always want you, I will always love you
(Chorus) x2
I got a crush on you
I hope you feel the way that I do
I get a rush
When I'm with you
Ooh, I've got a crush on you
A crush on you

I got a crush, I got a crush on you
I got a crush, I got a crush on you
I got a crush, I got a crush on you
I got a crush, I got a crush on you

2008-12-26T04:19:00.003+08:00

I recently watched King and the Clown and fell in love with the Movie. The characters were portrayed very convincingly and the pacing of the story was very well done. A lot of meaning unfurls are you watch the movie,the subtle hints within the movie actually act as clues to the future. It's a well thought out movie and I can't tell you how much in love I am with this movie.

This was the theme song of The King and the Clown found in the OST which ironically enough didn't appear in the movie. Its a down right shame since the song is so befitting of the events unfolding in the movie. Anyway, Enjoy my new song of the moment.

Song: In Yeon (Fate)
Artist: Lee Sun Hee
Featured in: The King and the Clown

Yaksok haeyo i sungan i
Dajinago dasi boge duwu neun geunal
Mwodeunnggeol beorigo geudae gyeol e seohseoh
Nameun gileul garirangeol

I promise you, when this moment passes by
And we see each other again on that day
I will throw everything away and stand beside you
So that we can walk the path that’s left for us

Chorus 1:
Inyeon i rago hajyo geobu hal suga eobjyo
Nae saeng e icheoreom areumda un nal
Ddodasi ol su itteul ggayo
Godalpeun salm ui gil e dangsin eun seonmulingeol
I saram i nokseulji andorok neul dakka bichulgge yo

Chorus:
This is what we call “fate,” it’s something we can’t deny
Will I ever experience a beautiful day like this again in my life?
You are a gift on this exhausting path of life
I’ll always wash and shine this love so that it won’t rust away

Verse 2
Chwihandeut mannameun jjalbattjiman bitjang yeoleo jarihaetjyo
Maetji mothandedo huhoe haki anjyo
Yongwonhangeon eob euiniggan

Verse 2:
Our meeting was like a drunken affair, but
You’ve unbolted my gate and occupied my heart
Even if our love is unattainable, I won’t regret it
Because nothing is forever

Chorus 2:
Ynmyeong i rago hajyo geobu hal suga eobjyo
Aesaeng e l cheoreom areumda un nal
Ddodasi ol su itteul ggayo
Hagopeun mal manjiman dangsin neun asilte jyo
Meongil dola mannage doeneun nal
Dasin notji mala yo

Chorus:
This is what we call “destiny,” it’s something we can’t deny
Will I ever experience a beautiful day like this again in my life?
There are many things I want to say, but you already know them
When we meet each other along the way on that day
Please don’t let me go again

Final chorus:
I saeng e mothan sarang I saeng e mothan inyeon
Meongildola dasi manna neun nal
Naleul notji mala yo

Final Chorus:
The love we couldn’t have in this life
The fate we couldn’t have in this life
When we meet each other again along the way on that day
Please don’t let me go.

2008-11-24T21:58:00.001+08:00

http://www.goldinuniverse.com/default.asp

You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You are a very choosy person - demanding and exacting in your emotional demands and very particular in your choice of partner. You are self-sufficient and as a result of this overbearing nature you find it difficult to establish any depth of deep physical or mental involvement with members of the opposite sex.

You are experiencing extreme frustration at this point of time, trying to achieve security and peace of mind, but whatever you seem to do doesn't effect the situation. You are worn out and your energy is being seriously depleted. You may be experiencing what is known as 'heartache' - both mentally and physically. You are a listener and you listen and respond to everything that is going on around you. You feel that all that life has to offer should be within your grasp and you would like to participate in every part of it but the situation is such that every door seems to be closed to you. You just can't understand why that is. But it is - and what's more you feel powerless to change it.

You feel worn out - you have no energy and your depleted vitality has created intolerance for any further stimulation. You feel inadequate and this subjects you to agitation, irritation and acute distress from which you try to escape by refusing further direct participation. You have become very wary and cautious but you have an inner strength. You have that determination to get your own way and succeed in the end.

So freaky yo. How did a website and program figure out how I'm feeling lately.

2008-11-24T21:09:00.002+08:00

I can't stand myself,
I want love yet I push it away. I really want to in love but I go into an automatic response every time someone asks me anything about love. Kinda like a defense mechanism. I really do have self-esteem issues. I cry to myself on my own, I'll give you that. What I tell you is what I wanna tell you, there are things I'd rather not say because it makes me sad inside. I'm running away from so many things. I want someone to love me despite what I say. I can't help what I say.

I'm so jealous of those around you. I just want some attention. It's still hard for me, till now. It really is still so very painful inside me. I just to burst out but yet I can't. I want you to tell me your problems. It hurts to me to see you like this. Really.

I really can't stand myself.

Why?!

24/11/08 ; 1.43 am

2008-11-18T23:31:00.002+08:00

In your eyes,
I see kindness.
In your eyes,
I see sweetness.

Do you know?
What you do to me?
Do you know?
Oh why can't you see?

I want your heart,
to love and care.
I want your heart,
I'll take it with me everywhere.

I'll learn your fears,
So I can protect you.
I'll learn your fears,
I'll be your fear's seal.

I'll give you goodnight kisses,
before we go to bed.
I'll give you goodnight kisses,
before the day breaks.

I love you so very much,
I keep thinking of you.
I love you so very much,
Please let me be your beau?

2008-10-27T12:54:00.000+08:00

I had such a weird dream today.
I dreamt of my housemate, we were going for some party or something <_<. Double layers, short and long. Al mentioned him being cuter than expected? I can’t remember much from the dream. When we reach home, I went -------------- ? And he went hmm? I realized I was trying to say something to him. Gah. And then I said ‘nothing’, and then the door was opened. I woke up from that NIGHTMARE after that. I woke up panting and heart beating fast. What the hell?!

2008-10-14T01:00:00.003+08:00

Hey, Changed my "song of the moment" cos I gave up on love already. It's not what I'm feeling inside anymore. So in it's place is another song. The Song title and Artist is in the music column on the left if You are interested.

I don't know where to start
Say I'm tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that i smile about it
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

I'm adoring you
It's all good
You're so beautiful
I'm black and blue all over
You're breaking my flow
How could you know what I'm saying about it
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
Oh come on what can i do?
Why's it happening
How's it happening without me
Why's it happening
How's it happening that he feels it without me

It's good to be in love
It really does suit you
Just like everything
I'm happy you're in love
'Cause every color goes where you do

You know who are you are.

When did the rain start it's crying again?
When did the flowers start to bloom again?
When did the sun sent it's warmth down again?
Seems like everything moved again.

I can't stand change.

2008-09-21T22:37:00.002+08:00

Dude....

You read too much into my nickname, (=.=).
Your taking this waaay too seriously, I vent because I've got something to get off my chest. I have more than one emotion you know. I mean you got worried too when you tried to contact me when I was MIA-ing, very same reason no? This is the same feeling I have. I was afraid of loosing a friend.

If you keep defending her, there is no point either. I know we are all her friend and thats what friends do but look if she can threaten to throw a shoe at someone when she's drunk who knows what she will do next. She acts so aggressively towards us during this period, what will happen in the next time she gets intoxicated, it can spiral downwards from there. I'm WORRIED for ALL OF US.

You may say then, we'll just keep her away from alcohol from her. But CAN WE? She does this often and who knew she can be such a depressive drunk. I feared she just lost it.She wasn't play fighting with us my friend. She was ready to move.

I'm not angry, I'm worried for her now. Because I can never look at her the same sorry. I'm gonna be more wary of her when she is drunk.

Drunken behaviour can range a whole spectrum, hers just took a turn for the worse.
People say when people are intoxicated, the truth emerges. Secrets are revealed and lies broken. I fear that this might be what she truly feels inside. She bottles all her emotions inside and she bursts.

We've never realised how she has been hurting, It's been a long time since she was with someone so it must have manifested itself this way. It very frustrating when your sexuality doesn't work to your advantage either. We must understand that to her, Love is a vital part of her life. This much I summarised, with the help of another mind.

My dear friend, If your reading this. I care about you too but your behaviour was a very rude awakening. I just cannot fathom what happened the night before. I'm still reeling from the shock, I'm sorry for not knowing how you felt inside. I was listening to everything you were saying but please if you cannot obtain what you want, don't go the easy way and down more alcohol; because you ended up getting sick from the alcohol overload. I was so frightened for you and for everyone. I was questioning myself that If I tried to help you, Your gonna bite the hand that feeds so I refrain from helping you. I was scared shitless when you started to shiver and your eyes got unfocused. I was so worried.

I care for her too, but the way I do it is different from normal people. You have to understand this. I don't think any of you will actually read this so this entry wil just be a summary and a way for me to collect my thoughts and try to get myself to understand the situation better.

2008-09-03T00:24:00.002+08:00

What is normal? What is abnormal? Is it what some people always do and don't do? What the mainstream crowd is currently following? What is it like to be normal or to just FIT IN?

If they knew I wasn't the way I am now, would you still be friends with me? The music that you listen to, the clothes that you wear, the topics you talk about, The places you hang around, aren't what everyone else is engaged in? A NORMAL thing to do? To fit in with everyone else? If I do all of what you guys do, will I be normal too?

I watched and learnt in my secondary school days, how i attracted little friends and how my sister garnered so many, she had the personality that "most people liked". I studied this and adopted this to myself. If she with her current personality could gain so many peers, if I were to do so, will it get the same attention with me?

So I set about tweaking my own personality, to fit what everyone liked. To have more friends, to be LIKED, to be INCLUDED. Because my own personality SUCKED. I CHANGED WHAT I AM FOR WHAT SOCIETY WANTS.

I feel like its a crime to do so, to hide behind something that is not me. Of course , you would argue that everyone puts up a front to hide the pain. But what I have done is not only put a FACADE but also putting up a FAKE personality to get what I want. Being manipulative was never in my nature, till I learnt it could get you what you wanted. I felt bad for doing so but I'm still doing it till this day.

I act happy because you guys looked happy when I do so, I try to be funny because I want you guys to notice me. I'm trying all sorts of methods to get your attention even to the point of being physical. I can now speak out my mind because I have opened up but it's full of fake emotions and faces I put up for everyone to see.

I do all my actions with meanings behind them, "There is a reason behind each action". I feel so dirty for doing all these, This fake personality I have that got me what I wanted.

The true me is negative, narcissistic, self-harming, friend-harming, un-sociable, gamer addict, nerd, stupid, naive and a bit of a sex-manic.

I feel so sorry for all those who know me, my actions are so calculative. I don't think I deserve all of you guys. I just wanted to FIT IN.

:(

2008-09-03T00:15:00.003+08:00

fuck! Whats WRONG with me?! My heart is beating really fast just because of a building. I imagined seeing him coming out of the building all business like and my breath stopped, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach took a plunge. I couldn't breathe of a second there. Argh! I couldn't concentrate on my driving after that. I had a dream about him too this morning, him and nail polish. Go figure. Crap what is this??

Don't tell me its infatuation cos I HATE IT! I HATE how it makes me feel, I HATE how it makes me weak in the knees and I HATE how I can only think MOSTLY of him.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

2008-08-31T23:17:00.002+08:00

What is it I'm feeling? I never knew office wear could be so... eye-catching. He came back in his blue long sleeved shit. I'm drawn to stare at it but I feel weird doing so. Ha ha, It's probably just looks nice, It's also the first time I have seen him in his office clothes. Guh, my heart beat so fast, not because of a shirt but because of a stupid "V" Drink I consumed hurhur(or is it?).

This is some random mumblings no need to take it so seriously. Apart from the fact I have seen him half-naked... GAH! My eyes! Ok I better stop before I go crazy and think too much.

27/08/08

2008-08-11T22:20:00.002+08:00

I feel hurt, you don't trust me. You think I would go against my morals and do undesirable things. Or are you just scared at what I would find? I'll tell you that I'm loyal and trustworthy granted I am pretty dense but your emotions are my biggest factors. I want to see you smile, heck I want to see everyone smile. I don't want dreary stoned faces.

I want laughter and smiles.

I want your attention.

2008-08-08T02:42:00.005+08:00

The Peacemaker

Your Enneagram type is NINE (aka "The Mediator")

"I am at peace"

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't
like expectations or pressure.
• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
• Ask me questions to help me get clear.
• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
• Let me know you like what I've done or said.
• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a NINE
• being nonjudgmental and accepting
• caring for and being concerned about others
• being able to relax and have a good time
• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator (doesn't sound very right considering what I have done)
• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a NINE
• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
• being confused about what I really want
• caring too much about what others will think of me
• not being listened to or taken seriously

NINEs as Children Often
• feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
• tune out a lot, especially when others argue
• are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

NINEs as Parents
• are supportive, kind, and warm
• are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

2008-08-08T02:19:00.003+08:00

Okay I'll admit it right now, What I said in my previous-previous post was out of line and an over-dramatisation of a single situation. To my two close friends, I'll apologize to you right now.

I am truly Sorry, sorry for calling you derogative/insulting terms. What I did was very out of line and nobody should be subjected to name-calling no matter how dire or far-fetched any situation may be. It is very short-sighted of me to label you as whores bastards because of one incident.

I am wincing right now as I think back on that post and how emotionally charged that post was. I cannot come up with any reasons or excuses to validate my actions so I will not attempt to do so and I can only rectify the mistake since what's done is done.

I hope (both of) you will forgive me for my words, I know It hurts to have someone close to you become nasty so I will not pressurise you to forgive me. If don't want to forgive me then it's fine too because problems like these cannot be solved with a simple apology.

So I'll end post on a sombre note. I won't be a childish person and go all ballistic about what has happened, I can take a bit of harsh words so do not hold back if you have to.

2008-07-26T01:20:00.002+08:00

<-Warning!->

The following post describes a stalker-esqe behavior so those who are scared shitless by such people. "PRESS THE "X" ON THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN NOW"

|~ Start of Random Stalker Musings (Warned you already!) ~|

She's so beautiful,
her smell so intoxicating.
I must have been a fool
to not acknowledge such a ethereal being.

I want to watch her sleep,
stroke her hair.
This image I want to keep,
let my soul be bare.

The peace I find
with her is Rapture
In this bind,
I cannot help but be drawn to this lure.

Your beautiful no matter what happens.
I keep thinking of your sleeping face and how It makes me feel so serene.

2008-07-22T01:49:00.002+08:00

Your confusing me!

I told you I can't be doing anything like that yet you pester on with your "come on"s. your making feel "shy". As you put it, I want to see you yet I don't. ARGH! The tummy butterflies are back!

2008-07-13T01:06:00.002+08:00

I feel lost, alone and unloved. I really hoped that I will never have this sickness again but It has come back.

If you never ever really cared, you should have told me. I was praying,hoping. You two were the best things that happened to me and you will always be. An answer would be good but you never even responded. I had a birthday without any of my friends please don't let me lose you again, I really wished you could be with me for my birthday. My heart has been torn by both your actions. I really can't hold back the tears that are falling down my face.

Without you too, I wouldn't be who I am today. Almost Everyone says they cannot come. Whats the point of holding a party without the ones you love?

I really don't want to hold this party anymore. It is a waste of time, money and my emotions. Your draining me of something I already have so little of, if your guilt doesn't nag at you I hope the next party You'll have, you will be all alone so that you know the pain i have. I don't want to trouble my family for this party if most of your aren't even taking the trouble to COME to it.

DAMN MY LIFE!

YOU WASTED MY EMOTIONS AND TIME. I FEEL USED AND BETRAYED. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING FRIENDS LIKE THESE, MANIPULATED FEELINGS AND FALSE HOPES.

FUCK ALL OF YOU BASTARDS AND WHORES.

2008-07-06T11:40:00.003+08:00

A dream, larger than life.

A classmate in my dream, a person i was going after? A date?

A time traveler escaping through all sorts of mischief and houses. Me!

Getting caught in Sim house.

Sister going to a haunted house for detention.

Me going for date lessons with a black?

2008-06-28T15:35:00.002+08:00

Within this long holiday, a revelation has revealed itself to me.

I no longer yearn for love, for it's attention nor do I yearn for her anymore.

Gone are the calls after dark, the willful questions and chatting with you when you appear.

You are now just a dream I was after.
A fleeting dream bound not to return. I don't think of you anymore.
I acknowledged the fact that I cannot have her and it does not pain me nor cause me discomfort to even think about her. The emotions I felt for her have left, what remains is indifference. It is no more a need to hold and feel you. The butterflies have died, the flower of spring has withered away to make way for new leaves. You will always be my friend. But know this, you were once more than a friend in my heart.

This is the emancipation of Gemmei.

I am at peace with myself, no more random injections and happy smiles. I will not show you the facades I place on myself. I will let everyone see the bare me, the empty, powerless, vulnerable and ugly me. That is the true me. I hide my secrets from everyone because it will hurt. If a new peer asks if I yearn for someone or something I will tell them that I not in love with anyone and I don't feel fit to love anyone. No one will love me nor do I wish to have it. I am a wilful child if is what I am denied that so be it. I will learn to love only like friends and family. The tank for love is empty and broken, holes of heartache have punctured my brain and the lock to my heart have rusted. Should the key be lost at sea and never be found. I will accept that as my fate. I will live out my life as a single individual loving those who had grew up with no love. This children need care and deserve more love than I do and I hope and pray they will find their own true love and forge their own future. To nurture and give the next generation hope. I have resigned my fate.

It is time to grow up, to forget your past and live for the future.

I still feel strangely empty inside.

2008-06-23T01:06:00.003+08:00

Every year, I hope for a present that is thought provoking.
I hope and wish with all my heart that It will shower it's blessings on this being.

I yearn for the intangible.
Something that can satiate me for all eternity.
What I talk of is nothing materialistic.

A bond and emotion that invokes euphoria.
A feeling that causes such heartbeat in me.

Your love is the best present I will ever receive.

2008-06-21T19:41:00.002+08:00

Packing my room, I found a card written to me. A birthday card made for me. Your words really made me twinge with guilt. I don't deserve your friendship.

I become friends with you because I wanted to get close to someone else. You were the target I chose because I saw you as being very close to her.

I have used you, for that I cannot digest the words you write in that birthday card.

I'm so sorry.

I have been hiding this from you. I want to come clean now. I have held this secret in me.

Sorry my friend.

2008-06-19T19:41:00.000+08:00

I still love you.

..........Very very much.

2008-06-15T02:11:00.002+08:00

This goes out to the one I gave my heart to. The emotions that you made me feel are so real and raw that I sometimes wonder why I hide it. This feeling cannot be wrong.

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
I'm holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know, whoa
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don't know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think I'll make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn't want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
And I said

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder

Boys like Girls - Thunder

2008-06-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

Each of you is a gem,
Hidden in Time,
Polished by Man
and made to shine.

This little paragraph goes out to my friends. I love you guys soooo much.

2008-06-13T10:03:00.002+08:00

A fight running behind tree? A big crowd fighting, the other team advancing as we gain on each other. Zanger Marsh smiled sadly and broke down. I went to her side to try and comfort her and she ran away.

Don't go!.... Your even further now.

I wonder what to do with my emotions.

2008-06-12T23:50:00.003+08:00

This is called "FIRST REACTIONS QUIZ". You have to type the 1st thing that comes to mind whenever you hear these 34 things. You can't think and go back and change your answers.
Beer: Bitter
McDonald's: Fries
Relationships: Something I'll never have
Purple: Sexually deprived
Power Rangers: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Cell Phone: Iphone
Steroids: Muscle-y!
Cartoons: D'oh!
-
Tupperware: Jessica
Hawaii: Ohana!
Santa Claus: Jolly Old man
Halloween: Jack Skellington
friendster: My link to friends
Clowns: Scary asses.
Marriage: I want.
Paris: Oui!
One night stands: Condoms plz
Donald Trump: Balding
Neverland: Pedophile Haven
Dixie chicks: I used to hear them on the Radio
Vanilla ice cream: Common, widely accepted
High school: Bad memories
Trojan: Horse
Pajamas: Ducky Shirt and pants
Wet Socks: Fungi Breeding ground

I stole this from someone on Friendster. XD

2008-06-07T11:32:00.000+08:00

In the mall
everyone beckons to nature's call.
In the sterile toilets,
strewn all over over are paper sheets and ciggarette butts

A tiny cubicle,
a drama has unfurled.
red liquid seeps from an fresn cut,
she stares at the life-giving blood.

If you succomb,
then my work here is done.
I live from your fear,
and those you hold truely dear.

Back at school,
everything they said to her was bull.
She cries alone,
because everybody hasn't grown a backbone.

Classroom mayhem is always a start,
It's always her; with any luck.
She bears it all,
until she can hold it no more.

If you succomb,
then my work here is done.
I live from your fear,
and those you hold truely dear.

2008-06-02T19:13:00.002+08:00

hey there, Its been a while.
Meh, sometimes I don't understand why sudden occurrences happen.

Is it to test me?
Is it to punish me?
Is it to make m repent?

I really wonder though.

If love is a journey, then I am already at a crossroad.

Give me strength whoever that is up there.

If love is a labour, I'll slave till the end
I won't cross these streets till you hold my hand.

2008-06-02T12:38:00.001+08:00

To return or to go,
That is the question.

Meh, A levels? I haven't got A levels.

2008-05-29T22:42:00.002+08:00

My heart was broken this year, to someone I should have given it to. I did not cry for it though, You learn to be strong. Don't tease me about love cos you know I can't admit who I like/love. For the good of the majority, "the majority is always right".

Its gone now anyway. =)

Times all flown away, another graduation on its way. We gain and lose. I will miss you guys sooooo badly.

2008-05-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

" Demo Hikaru ga? Mo Ipu saki suzu mitayi-tei, kizukei hajimetei cha dara,
soshidara boku ka? Doshiryu ka na? "

Indeed, The magic spells of the carriage don't last forever.

Maintaining this reality is beyond human control. I just wish the road was a little longer.

2008-05-27T01:56:00.001+08:00

I deserve every single blow that you throw at me. Sorry won't help... so I'll just shut up.

2008-05-27T01:50:00.000+08:00

Home,
is,
very,
near,
yet,
so,
far.

Dang.

2008-05-23T21:17:00.003+08:00

To: What's-Their-Names...

If I left you,
would you care?
If I left you,
would even know I'm not there?

If I disappeared,
will my impression last
If i disappeared,
or will it die with my one last gasp?

If I went back,
would you miss me?
If i went back,
Would I be the one you would still want to see?

I am going
Back to home
I am going
sad and once again alone.

Goodbye my friends,
this will be my last call,
Goodbye my friends,
I love you all.

2008-05-20T21:08:00.003+08:00

The wind carries its heart and soul on it's wings.
It whispers a message to those to all who listen. Caressing and nurturing the gentle, forgiving and patient. It sends to me a calming breeze; to be myself, to relax and to understand.

"Let nature take its course, let love and let live."

The wind speaks of joy
The wind speaks of emptiness.
The wind speaks of a wonderful scent.

The wind.

...says you are beautiful.

2008-05-17T12:33:00.001+08:00

“ Please. Just listen to me!” A voice rang out in the darkened pathway, echoing through the trees.

“No get away!” A second voice returned the first, shrill and hysterical.

Ruriko quickened her pace as she headed for the nearest bus stop, the night winter air chilling her bare legs. She silently cursed herself for choosing to wear a dress that only covered half her thighs. It was supposed to be fantastic night of clubbing then He told the words she thought would ever come out of his mouth.

“We’re not breaking up, we can’t be!” She whispered in disbelief, her hand holding her mouth so that the words were inaudible. Wolf whistles called after her as she hastened towards the traffic light. She was not getting involved with any man tonight.

Sitting at the bus station, she reminisced about the wonderful moments they had together, relaxing on the warm sun-kissed grass hand in hand with him, watching the clouds pass by, cooking for each other competing who is the better cook, he always made the best steaks. Her eyes watered and her vision was becoming unclear. She looked down to her hands, wet puddles had fell on her hand and were continuing to expand. She felt the warm liquid slowly run down her cheek and tickle her chin. Sniffling, Ruriko rummaged through her handbag, searching for a tissue. She had to stop herself from crying over her ex boyfriend.

2008-05-15T16:14:00.001+08:00

The ephemeral dreaming, the divine sleep. It's there just beyond that line. Its so close. I can taste its blissful freedom. I'll reach out and grab it.

2008-05-15T00:11:00.002+08:00

Feel like I'm falling,
fall out of sight.

Im gonna take this head on. Fuck this, it sucks. You know who you are. I Don't know why it became like but I want it back to the past.

FUCK THIS.

2008-05-13T22:35:00.000+08:00

Drama Bellette. says:
gen...
.Drama Bellette. says:
i gotta tell you something
.Drama Bellette. says:
so bad
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
tell me
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
Im all ears
.Drama Bellette. says:
i really wish.....
.Drama Bellette. says:
that you'll be here in my room.....
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
like a fly on a banana
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
annoying and hard to get rid off
.Drama Bellette. says:
GEN!!
.Drama Bellette. says:
you're ruining the mood!!
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
Sorry i just had to
± Shaiñz ± + げねヴぃえヴぇ |Perseverance| L*red+uITATION.Projects! PPT + IT! Each one of you are my charms, my dream. says:
(comic relief is funny)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I couldn't help it.

2008-05-13T22:15:00.002+08:00

I cannot take it anymore, the awkwardness, the following. I feel like I'm going to explode. I really really cannot take it anymore. It hurts to watch and consider people's feelings. It hurts to know that they will find a better person, it hurts to know that they will be happier know this better person yet inside my heart says I have done a good thing.

Is a good deed that painful for my soul?
Will it really make me feel better?

I just want to shout my thoughts without being sterotyped. To love like everyone else, to sing like everyone else. Not cry alone.

When will this madness end?
It really is a Mad world.

So.... What's in your head?

Zombie! Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!

Reference taken from The Cranberries' song Zombie.

2008-05-13T12:54:00.002+08:00

Ahahahaha, Comms is done now Now I'm left with IT essay and CPT and PPT. The cold I caught isn't really hepling the situation either. =P. Oh my gosh! Time flies neh? It's already 13 of may! To think in less than a months time, I'll be on a flight back to singapore, having a fun time with my friends.

HOOOBOOOY!!! SINGAPORE SINGAPORE!! Just that little bit more! * cough *

2008-05-10T17:32:00.002+08:00

Decided to put some ambient music for my boring lil' blog.
Oh and Yoko Kanno's arrangment and piano skills are god sent.
It fits wolf's rain to a T! This goes out to all the lost and
dreaming souls out there.

Been a long road to follow,
Been there and gone tomorrow,
Without saying goodbye to yesterday

Are the memories I hold still valid?
Or have the tears deluded them?

Maybe this time tomorrow,
The rain will cease to follow,
And the mist will fade into one more today

Something somewhere out there keeps calling
Am I going home?
Will I hear someone
Singing solace to the silent moon?

Zero gravity
What's it like? (Am I alone?)

Is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet?
Still the road keeps on telling me to go on...

Something is pulling me
I feel the gravity of it all

2008-05-07T17:21:00.002+08:00

Let my world expand, let it open up. Let the singular thoughts and narcisstic notions be gone. Let them come into my world, Let my secrets be theirs and my sacrifice their future.

To be part of another, to be part of one.

Where is my Sense of belonging?

Where are you?

2008-05-05T19:11:00.002+08:00

Its not that I can't tell you how I feel but growing up bottling my thoughts has been a way of life for me. I don't really share whats in me for many reasons.

I don't want to get hurt, to invest in something and then lose it really hurts the heart.I grew up around boys, We talked more about sports and games we could play then sharing our feelings.So the issue of feelings were not discussed.

I never made friends till I was eleven, so I guess sharing my thoughts was never really an option for me. For you to present this opportunity to me now is abrupt and shocking. I don't know how to start and if even i do, you will see a girl who is crying inside.

I am fortunate, for that I give thanks. I love my parents,my siblings, my friends, my dog. I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. You all helped me grow in so many ways. Even if I don't share my thoughts and emotions with you, I will listen to yours.

I envy you , joviality, persistence, you embody the traits I so very much wish to emulate. I want to be like you . I want to be top dog like you. I want to shower my love and care on you. To fawn on you, to be your guiding light, to be your pillar, to be the shoulder you wish to cry on. Yet this emotion called fear holds me back, please remove every last bit of fear away from me.

I know you will retort and say You were never truly happy, it is but a farce and a facade you put up to hide the pain and anguish inside yet the ability to even show a happy face is something I'd like to have. No matter how "happy" I may be, I still hurt inside, I still want to know what keeps you smile.

Don't push my away, "Why do you keep annoying us" Those words cut me like a razor blade on jelly. My pokes and hits are harsh and sometimes uncontrollable but please I beg of you, don't run away. I don't know how to show "love" or rather to actually potray love. I fear putting forth my love so I do it in a nudging way. That is my "love"

So please......

Don't go.

2008-05-04T17:06:00.003+08:00

Bye bye mummy and daddy, Thanks for coming.

Omg driving is scary. Check mirrors,blind spots and BRAKE!!!
Bah, I'll prolly get it soon.

..... I hope. (;_;)

2008-05-01T00:02:00.002+08:00

Things to do later in the day.

1)Go to Bankwest.
2)Call SIA and change tix to june 12.
3)Call the DAMN DRIVING SCHOOL.

* knocks self with pen * I ought to be shot.
According to Van, She took the last ticket for june!No more tickets left for meeeee! Crap I don't wanna be alone on my flight to Sing-u-pore (;_;).

* Stabs self with pen *
I DEFINATELY don't want that 100 Hours log book. KKNCCB! I'm not gonna make 100 trips just to fill it up! Neither am I too keen on driving within certain hours of the day!

Whats wrong with you Gemmei!! STOP PROCRASTINATING! Get off yer ass and MOOOVE!
Crap.

2008-04-28T22:55:00.001+08:00

shit shit shit shit. I NEED TO DO MY BLOODY JOURNALS.

Journals+RPFresearch+Storyboard = 10% completed
IT2 Computers project = 0%
Maths project = 30%

HAHAHAHHAHA. IM SO DEAD. fuck fuck fuck fuck, crap crap crap. HAHAHAHAH
IM GONNA DIE NOW.

2008-04-25T23:31:00.003+08:00

With each smile she makes,
Its my breath she takes.

The feelings of contentment rise as I watch her in a happy element. Her happiness is thine own as well. With that simple action, the rest of the day has be decided. Its just one movement with many repercussions. Thank you for making me feel good about myself. That I can do SOMETHING.

Thank you.

I love you with my very soul. I learnt to always BELIEVE.

Arigatou Gozaimasu.

2008-04-22T22:21:00.003+08:00

Remember the feelings
Remember the day
My stone heart was breaking
My love ran away.

This moment I knew I would be someone else
My love turned around
and I fell.

Be my bad boy
Be my man
Be my weekend lover
But don't be my friend

You can be my bad boy
But understand
that I Don't need you
in my life again

Wont you be my bad boy
Be my man
Be my weekend lover
But dont be my friend

You can be my bad boy
But understand that I
Don't need you again
(no I don't need you again)

(bad boy)

We once made this promise
to stay by my side
But after some time
You just pushed me aside

You never thought
that a girl can be strong
Now I show you how to go on.

Be my bad boy
Be my man
Be my weekend lover
But don't be my friend

You can be my bad boy
But understand
that I Don't need you
in my life again

Wont you be my bad boy
Be my man
Be my weekend lover
But dont be my friend

You can be my bad boy
But understand that I
Don't need you again
(no I don't need you again)

Cascada - Bad boy

2008-04-21T23:37:00.002+08:00

I'll cry in my time,
I die in my time.
I'll live in my time,
I'll accept in my time.

I'll pray for you in my time,
I'll love you in my time.
I'll be myself in my time,
I'll be alone in my time.

I'll hurt in my time,
I'll heal in my time.
I'll hope in my time,
I'll despair in my time.

2008-04-19T19:57:00.002+08:00

Her caring nature was soothing,
she forgave all that I did.
It's only happiness that she brings,
so for her; my heart will once again beat.

Her abode is not the best,
conflict arises daily.
So I will hold her close to my chest,
till the day that she becomes truly happy.

Her optimism is endless,
never a day I do not see a smile.
Off all the girls,
It is her who keeps my days from being dull.

A soul that keeps thy calm
A soul that wishes me no harm
A soul that makes me learn
that love is something I yearn.

With that I end my sonnet,
To all those that guess my beau right
A little treat is what you ill get.
Something that you can sip or bite.

2008-04-19T19:48:00.002+08:00

You are not alone,

Im right here to catch you when fall.

Dreams continue to plagarise my mind.
I dreamt of camel mounts in a WOW world. Fight camel mounts. They last longer. Prolly because of the camel joke from the other day. Van was in there as well. I can't remember what she said.

Zanger Marsh said she liked started liking someone else during a Arguement??

I hate you my heart.
I should have never liked or loved you. Now all I have is your constant empty gaps you make my feel everyday.

However,
The old butterfly feelings are back. Im not paralysed but I seem to be struck by you.

2008-04-09T10:04:00.001+08:00

The journey ahead is ardous, littered with perils and obstacles. I hope I can sail through this choppy waters.

2008-03-31T21:14:00.002+08:00

Its been a MORE THAN AVERAGE cold day today, the rain was thundering outside persistantly. I had to walk through rain and a "flooded" road side pavement. It feels like it is already winter, I took out my blouse top! Finally I got to wear it! It was FREEEZING. Boy when the weather forecast said rain, they weren't kidding. (>A<) Showers 14 - 17 degrees!! ARGH no wonder it was so cold.

FORECAST

Tue, Apr 1

Clearing shower

min: 15°C

max: 23°C

Another cold day, oh crap.

2008-03-25T22:19:00.002+08:00

A fight between warriors, a clawed hand; a young man. Changes and changes back who looks for direction and smiles with evil grin. Running into a restaurat?Hotel? Friend? Close friend escapes through the front door, havent paid bill? Escaping from back room, waitress, actors, musicians, Violinists one girl many guys. Recognition. Run away to the carpark . Freedom!

2008-03-23T16:40:00.002+08:00

I need to look for thalasssa charm. I wanna make one

Oh happy easter.... have fun dudes and dudettes.

2008-03-19T21:36:00.002+08:00

I'm just person. What can I do for Global Warming? Well, I CAN join the Earth Hour movement. Just by turning off power for one hour, We can
send the message to the world about Global Warming prevention.

So are you turning off the power on March 29,8pm?

2008-03-15T12:06:00.004+08:00

There was a boy

near the old newspaper stand.

There was a boy

that I would listen to as he sang

Will it ever come,

will it ever grasp my heart?

Will it ever come

Like a freedom to a lark?

Crying in the dark,

I think of my girl

Crying in the dark

She used to be my world

I once loved,

as everyone had

I once loved,

but now; it just makes me sad.

She gave me her all,

Too blind; I didn't see.

She gave me her all

To another man she did flee.

Crying in the dark,

I think of my girl

Crying in the dark

She used to be my world

Treasure your dear

give her your love

treasure your dear

like two turtle doves

Crying in the dark,

I think of my girl

Crying in the dark

She used to be my world.

Suicide in the City,

The afternoon news informs

Suicide in the City

My heart is torn.

This just in,

A young man has shot himself

This just in

He was only twelve

Running to the newspaper stand

I curse and swear

Running to the newspaper stand

I hope that he is still there.

I asked the newspaper man

He has finally gone

I asked the newspaper man

and all he did was yawn.

2008-03-14T22:18:00.003+08:00

Sweet BLOG!!! How i missed you!

2007-10-21T11:57:00.000+08:00

You were a long ago part of my memory yet you plague my dream today. You come and give out ideas for drug abuse. I want so much to you all my secrets yet I know you will never accept one as me. For reasons justified and not, I still love you yet I am unsure whether its still and infatuation or something more. Many obstacles stand in our ways, our orientation for one but I will not care. Should I be able to hold you and just lie beside you, I would be content.

2007-09-09T14:03:00.000+08:00

Somebody loves me, yes they do. Nudists, host club. foreplay,oral sex. Queing in the line for flying fox?

2007-09-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

Hello, Im back.

Tis a loooooooooong time. As of right now, I'm no longer in singapore. Living in Perth studying at murdoch. Staying at two storey house, Im currently renting a room from someone so I'm on my own. Its not as hard as most people like to potray it as. Its all right.

2007-04-10T20:13:00.000+08:00

FUCK!! what do you care about me?? Huh? All right you want me to go overseas and learn independence. BULLSHIT!YOU JUST WANT ME OUT OF YOUR HAIR! Throw me there to suffer and do my worst onto myself. So what if you want me to go there?? HUH?! So i cant finish faster??? great so what?? I go there to learn "how to make money" for what?? I dont even HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS IN FUCKING AUSTRALIA. SO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE A ASSHOLE there. A luxurious house for? To show off?? TO WHO DAMN it? I gave up my chance to study here for a only miniscule chance of getting into australia! THIS AINT FUCKING WORTH IT! DO know of the child that cries alone? Who wants to cut herself but knows its just going to cause shame on them. FUCK IT!

2007-03-19T08:40:00.000+08:00

A dream wilder then life itself, a dream more appalling than a monster. You lay beside me; resting your head on chest very much like I was your beau. We were out on dates and up to the fourth on. I never touched her in any way. I won you gifts at the games, you were happy. The dream ended there and then. No more after dreams. It was a scary yet loving dream. A unresolved dream is what it is.

2007-02-08T00:28:00.000+08:00

Its times to decide my fate and what career I will venture upon. The exam jitters are back except now its for the results that are coming to me. Oh crap.

2006-11-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

Ichi nen Haiyay. Its already gone. My final year in sheltered schooling. From now on, everyone will walk upon their chosen path and never look back. Friends I have made during these years will start to drift. It is inevitable that this day would come. I just wish I was closer to all my classmates. That regret is going to stay in my head for as long as I live. I really don't want to lose all the people that I have come to know and love. I never really knew how to make friends and so suffered by having no one to talk to. When I finally gained someone, which was in pri 5 it was hard for me to let go since I treat my friends as treasures. I really invested my whole vigor into them. Its not easy for me to watch those I know, go. Even as a teenager, I supposed I could make some friends, yet it was fraught with obstacles and many lies. I was blammed in sec 1 by a classmate whom I thought I could make friends with. Sec 2 i believed I had my group of peers. Sec 3 I was treated literally like dirt. It makes my eyes water thinking about that. I'd rather forget this instances but these are long term memories that have already been etched in one's mind so I have no choice but live on with these memories. I have to choose my own path but IM reluctant to do so. All of us will fan out. I'd rather not come to the crossroads of change but alas it has arrived. I don't know what to do. Let it all go then, I just have to face life as it comes now. I am growing up, I have no decision in the matter..............

After you got a boyfriend, I lost my only other best friend I have. Now both of you have boys to deal with. I am left in the lurch, I feel like a little child brought to a shopping centre with friends and we play together until one day by circumstances those friends leave. I feel lonely and quiet. It is so depressing to invest time in friends yet you end up loosing them in the end. " In the end , It doesn't even matter " how true. It feels like sec one again. All over again, I have to find friends. I too old to invest in that much vigor already. My child like constituition has been swiped with one of jaded thought and negative experiences. I want to continue sharing that bond we used to have. How it was so strong. I wanted to make a promise. A promise in 1o years time, we meet and see how each other is doing but looking at the way things are going now. The promise shall not be set in stone. I just want to sit and down and wonder what I have done wrong. That's why I commune with technology, they will not leave you and they are not critical in thoughts and ideas. I am so tired and pitiful.

2006-09-22T15:08:00.000+08:00

Since I have'nt been posting for eons already. I shall grace my poor poor estranged diary with some entries to give it some life. And so I shall post about Ouran High School Host Club. 25

Tamaki is getting engaged.... How can this be!!! Nooooo, tell me I'm dreaming. He is getting engaged to a girl called Eclair. Stupid woman! Grrrr and what kind of name is that? Eclair?! Thats a chocolate pastry!! What kind of trickery did you use to brainwash Tamaki??? You you used black magic did'nt you!? Haruhi doesn't want to admit she feels jealous;so like her. Whats more Tamaki wants to close the Host Club FOREVER!! Kyoya getting slapped by his father!! He doesn't deserve that!! In the manga, his father complimented him for actually taking part in this! Not the other way round! Haruhi starts to contemplate about Tamaki's past and how his life was fraught with sadness. How she too, lost her mother and would never get the chance to see her again. Two lost souls intertwined. Stupid Chocolate pasty women. Tamaki's grandmother also makes her appearence, spiteful woman. I really don't the anime to end on such a sad note when it gave me such a exhilarating time with its quirky humour. As I look at at it and think back, what I saw someone wrote made a lot of sense. Even though, it was a cartoon laced with humourous articles, there were times too of sombre moods and good plot development. How they told the story with analogy inserts between episodes to prove their point and how the character's relationship between people was formed and how distinct each were, with their own personaly. It was such a excellent anime, I really wished it would not end so soon.

Ichi nian, Haiyay-yo..... M( T_T)m

2006-09-10T22:08:00.000+08:00

I still experience you near me, you appear in my dreams. I thought I had forgotten you. You came back and reminded me. In a dream, you came down the stairs. A family; mother ; children (where's mom) A hug i gave you. Makeup medicine. I'm confused. A stage, a show Host beside me. An aquaitance behind me that dissapeared. A witch.

I had a weird dream this morning, involving people i liked or knew in my past. I was really confused in the morning nonetheless I will put in behind me.

2006-08-15T22:27:00.000+08:00

A P.O.W's perspective of war.

The bird, motionless,
eyes shut in eternal slumber.
The tears came streaming forth.
Staining,
leaving a salty tang on my lips.
It's small body magnified,
its size against the cement it rests
on serves to only increases its presence.
This tiny creature kept
in this prison cell.
Just like us ,
trapped within these four walls.
A window near the ceiling
the only source of light ,
our only connection
to the world.
Flying with its heart set on
towards the window. Yet
its only source of hope is barred.
Barred by the limitations,
reminders of our situation.
It pressed its chest against
the cold metal, beating its wings till it could
not beat no more.
Falling , falling
It lands with a thud.
It death
echoed within
these fortifications.